Dear Alex; Life sometime sucks and things aren't fair.

Dear Alex,

Your Mom told me that today is induction into the JNHS and you are upset that you aren't one of those kids up on stage.

You are right. It sucks. It isn't fair. And you deserve to be up there.

But Alex, I am here to tell you that sometimes life sucks. Things aren't fair, and we often do not get what we deserve.

Your best friend gets the girl (or boy) of your dreams. 

Someone else buys that perfect car or house right out from under you. 

You work your butt off but don't get the promotion. 

Some idiot is elected president and sets about systematically destroying the good in your country.

Your dad or your mom dies before you are ready to see them go. 

Your kids hurt and you can't make things all better for them. 

But I also want to tell you that, in the grand scheme of things, none of these things, including the idiocy of how folks are chosen for the JNHS, is really important.

Yes, it feels like the most important thing in the world when it happens. And for those of us who are perfectionists, we wonder what we could have done differently to change the outcome, and beat ourselves up over those imaginary fixes that we did not do.

And for those of us who are fairness freaks, it makes us so angry that something unfair occurred because, well, it isn't fecking fair! (pardon my Irish)

You see Alex, being in the JNHS does not guarantee you that you will be a success in college. Or that you will want to go to college. Or that going to college will provide you with the perfect job. It is lovely, oh so lovely, to be recognized for being the amazing young man that you are. But, as Boppa used to say, that and a buck will buy you a cup of coffee. Recognition is great for about a day, but you can't live on it.

As someone who was never inducted in the NHS because she cheered for her friends from the sidelines and did not play basketball or run track, I know how it feels to be in your shoes. But only if I think back really hard. Because you see, at this point in my life I can see that being in NHS would not have made things any different. 

That is difficult for you to understand right now, when you are hurting and angry, but trust me Alex: it doesn't matter.

But there are a lot of things about this day that DO matter. I know that you will get this after the day is over, but I hope to God that you went to school today and that you clapped for those who were inducted and that you congratulated your friends who made it in with an honest smile on your face and real joy in your heart for their happiness. Sitting at home and pouting would not change a thing and would only prove that you didn't deserve to be in the JNHS. Refusing to applaud or congratulate, and being petulant and taking the joy from those we were inducted would have been mean and petty and below you. You ARE a leader. You ARE an excellent young man. And you show that by how you behave in adversity.

I know that you worked hard on your essay. I suspect that it was one of the most interesting and well-written ones that the committee ever read. Take pride in that. And take pride in the fact that you were the better man, so to speak, and did not rain on the parades of those who were inducted.

It doesn't matter to you right now, but know that I love you. I am proud of you and who you are, not what you accomplish. I don't give a rat's patootie how many awards, honors, and decorations you get in life. I do care that you are a good person and a man of integrity.

I am adding a note here for your Mom, so be sure that she reads this. You can read it, too, because one day you may be in her shoes, hurting because someone you would die for is hurting and you can't fix it. Maybe some of this will be useful on that day.

I love you, Alex, and there aren't enough stars in the sky to award to you in my books. But if you never earn a single one, I will still love you, and in the end, loving and being loved is all that matters.

Aunt Kate

There is No Such Things as Free Universal Healthcare

I just need to spout off a bit here about healthcare and the idea that the government should pay for everyone to have health insurance.

It sounds lovely, except "the government" doesn't have money.

It takes my money and your money to pay for the things it does.

And on the surface, the idea that we all pay a little more in taxes to give everyone "free" health insurance seems fair.

But the problem is that without regulations restricting the costs of medicines, hospitalization, routine immunizations, and doctor's salaries, that "free" health care will cost more and more every year, meaning that my taxes will go up and up.

And so will yours.

As the country ages, the cost of insurance will go up and up.

And we are an obese nation, so the costs will go up even more.

And the insurance companies will decide that they want more money, and the pharmaceutical companies will want more money, and the nurses and doctors will want more money (because they are paying more taxes for health insurance) so the cost of our health insurance will go up some more.

See how this works?

Are you willing to pay a third of your income in taxes to subsidize health insurance for everyone?

Maybe before we start handing out "free" stuff, we should start by restricting the costs.

And yes, doctors and nurses are wonderful people, but should they make ten or twenty or fifty times as much as a school teacher makes?

And yes, I realize that the cost of their education is obscenely high, so we probably need to address the rising cost of a public school education.

It seems like there is an awful lot to fix, doesn't there?

Maybe the government should go back to regulating insurance and big pharma costs.

Maybe more money should be spent on creating public parks.

Some more money could be spent on school so that kids get back their recess time. (Back when I was in elementary school we had two 15 minute recesses and a 30 minute recess after our 30 minute lunch. Not today.)

How about we teach kids how to cook again.

And then lets provide incentives for eating healthy and exercise, because (sadly) we seem to have forgotten how to do those things in this country.

Less medicine, more outdoors. Fewer drug, more veggies.

I would much rather pay to give people free fruit and vegetables than pay to give the insurance industry more money. I would rather fund parks and playgrounds and after school activities than big pharma.

Weeping for My Country

I am exhausted.
I have no hope.
I am horrified.
I am heartbroken.

Yesterday I cried over my country like I have only cried twice before in my life: before my divorce, and after my father’s death.

All three were because of great loss and because of the tragedy and stupidity of the loss. And because a large part of my Pollyanna, things-will-always-turnout-okay, cock-eyed optimism attitude was, quite frankly destroyed by reality.

No alternative facts for me.

I spoke to a much-beloved person yesterday who explained to me that after eight years of having strangers shake their fingers in their face it felt exhilarating to not be on trial for simply being a straight white male.

A much-beloved person told me that having spent the past eight years constantly defending other’s right to free speech, their right to love who they will, and their right to fill-in-the-blank, but then being shouted at and threatened and bullied by those very same people who wanted them to deny their Christian faith and renounce their race it felt good to not have to explain and shout and defend.

I get it. I live in Portland, Oregon. The Politically Correct have become the Permanently Pissed-Off since November. We have had protests and riots left and right. The extreme liberals have, multiple times, taken to violence when faced with people who disagree with them, most recently cold-cocking a Trump supporter while they were at the airport to protest Trump’s immigration ban.

So I know, I truly know, how difficult it has been for conservatives and whites and straight men to live in this country for the past eight years.

But I hoped that, regardless of their political beliefs, my conservative friends would also remember that their party was the party of Lincoln, and that they would bind up the wounds of their fellow man. 

Instead, they are gleefully shouting with joy every time that Trump speaks or acts. When confronted with his lies they simply shout you down. Like Trump, they change the conversation to one they want to have and they attack.

Yes, they seem like people who have been crushed under foot for eight years and now they are on top. And they will not stop before crushing their oppressors.

And the liberals? The anti-Trump people? They are no better. They are protesting and marching and shouting and hash-tagging. But they are making no conciliatory gestures, either. For that side, they are dealing with their own grief and loss, and in the process they don’t care who or what they destroy, just as long as everyone else hurts as badly as they do.

Both sides have lost their ability to see the other side.

Both sides are hurting, but they refuse to see that lashing out doesn’t make their own pain go away.

Neither side is willing to give up anything for peace.

Everyone is becoming more and more entrenched in their opinion, certain that their opponents are the most evil people alive.

And we have no leaders.

I love my country. I love it deeply and strongly. I love so much of our tradition and history of goodness and strength. As a historian, I also know that we have been petty and mean and vindictive in the past. And we have hurt our own. Deeply and cruelly sometimes. But we are still that city on a hill. Or we were.

I want, no, I desperately need, to believe that things are going to turn out okay. But I am losing my Pollyanna faith that it will happen.

We seem to be turning into a nation of narrow-minded bigots. A nation that has come to the conclusion that there can be only one way of thinking and acting, and if you disagree with that side’s version of that one way, then you have no rights, no standing, and can expect no mercy. Both sides, the liberals and the conservatives have descended into this childish, narcissistic, petulant way of thinking. There is no broad generosity. There is no tolerance. And so, there is no peace.

And so I wept for my country yesterday. And through the night. And I still weep for it this morning.

My Mother and the City of Portland: The intolerance and bigotry of the self-righteous

My parents were fundamentalist Christians. They were stricter than strict, and believed that they knew exactly what was right and wrong. Ask them about any subject and they had an opinion and a Bible verse to back it up. Be kind to others. Don’t say hurtful things to or about others. No judging other people. Help other people. But there was no tolerance for those who were wrong and there were never grey areas when it came to right and wrong. I recall asking if she was faced with my imminent death but a lie would save me, would my mother tell that lie. I knew the answer before I asked, so I am not sure why I asked that question, and Mom did not disappoint when she told me that she would not tell a lie to save my life.

Weird upbringing, wasn’t it? So full of goodness and love, openness and acceptance, and so narrow-minded and bigoted in its own way.

Today Mom is still the same. She knows right and wrong. There are no questions for her. There is sin out there and she can spot it. She doesn’t hesitate to tell people when they are doing wrong, and she doesn’t pull her punches. (Dad has been dead for ten years now, but that is a different story.) In Mom’s world, you are either on the side of right, or you are wicked. She still is kind to others. Doesn’t discriminate based on appearances. And she is helpful and generous with her time. This is a nearly 80-year-old lady who still delivers food for Meals on Wheels. Don’t get me wrong, Mom is a Good Person. But if you disagree with her about how to live and believe, you are the worst kind of sinner and you are, of course, going straight to Hell if you don’t change your evil ways.

I live in Portland, Oregon. A mecca of liberalism. There is not much you can say or do to raise an eyebrow around here. I used to have students try to see what it is like to go against the grain and they discovered how hard it is to find a grain to go against. It certainly does make for some wonderfully interesting people and events, and there is a certain open, easy vibe to this city that I appreciate.

But here’s the funny-weird, not funny-ha-ha part. These folks are Just. Like. My. Mom. If you disagree with them about how to live and believe, you are the worst kind of person in the world and, if they believed in Hell, they would damn you there as fast as possible. Here in Portland we are all about love and tolerance and diversity. As long as you aren’t a straight white Christian male who doesn’t feel compelled to wear a rainbow pin or march in the latest parade or protest. Then you are clearly a closet homophobe and you probably beat your wife or girlfriend, assuming you can get a woman to even look at you, you sorry loser. If you are a woman who doesn’t believe that abortion is right, then you are some sort of conservative whack-a-doodle who is the sole and personal reason that women everywhere are all denied all forms of birth control and abortions.

The violent vehemence of my mother and my city against someone who dares to disagree with them is breath-taking in both the speed of the attack, the totality of the condemnation, and the similarity of the language used to condemn the heathen infidel.

The complete lack of toleration for the person who thinks or believes differently is identical. That person is “wrong” and if he or she refuses to completely convert to the acceptable way of thinking then he or she is unworthy of any tolerance or compassion.

So what if the unrepentant sinner supports Mom’s right to believe and live her life as she pleases? The fact that he or she believes that it is no big deal if gay couples marry is a clear indicator of their loose morals and sinful attitude. Go to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.

So what if the unrepentant Republican/bigot/racist/homophobe/fill-in-the-blank supports a gay couple’s right to marry? The fact that he or she personally thinks it is morally wrong makes them anathema to all right-thinking people. Karma is going to get you and she is a bitch. Don’t say I didn’t tell you so.

It makes my head spin.

And it makes me laugh.

Because both sides - my mother and the Portland PC-police - are really the same thing. They are both examples of basically good people who believe strongly in right and wrong and who also have absolutely zero tolerance for anyone anywhere who believes differently than they do.

And while I can ignore and avoid much of the intolerance and bigotry of self-righteous Portland, it is more difficult to ignore and avoid the intolerance and bigotry of my self-righteous mother.